


Life is Very Long When you’re Lonely

by 3hree6ix5ive



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Angst, Death Wish, Depression, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-04-14
Updated: 2013-04-17
Packaged: 2017-12-08 13:10:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/761675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/3hree6ix5ive/pseuds/3hree6ix5ive
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ian returns to Chicago 4 years after leaving. The last thing he expects is to see Mickey look like he's dead man walking.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, apparently I'm a sucker for punishment because I'm starting a new Gallavich fic. 
> 
> This is just the prologue. The rest of the chapters will pick up when Ian’s back. Not quite sure where this is going to go but it's going to be pretty angst-ridden. I don't know if there will be a happy ending yet either. 
> 
> Let me know what you think.  
> Don't like me or my fic? Don't fucking read.

Ian gets caught six months after he joins the Army. It’s by some fucktwat who works in an office at the Pentagon, some hack who's been in the Army forever but has never seen a second of live combat, that comes down to the base in Georgia to discuss the matter, first with his Commanding Officer, then with him, right as he’s in the middle of combat training exercises as his platoon prepares to ship out to Pakistan. 

The Sergeant Major tells him he figured it out when the Phillip Gallagher who’s a Private with the US Army tried to use his social security number to register for first-year classes at MIT. Ian knows he’s fucked, but hearing that Lip is going to college makes him proud. He never thought Lip would have the balls to go through with it. So he tells them what he did because there’s no way to cover his tracks now and he wants Lip to have his chance. 

It spirals from there. There’s screaming and yelling. He’s called a maggot and scum for fucking with the Army. They threaten him with every punishment under the sun –from physical violence (bullshit) to jail time at a military prison (that one gives him pause) – only to change their tune when they find out an underage kid infiltrated their ranks with a fake ID. 

They don’t even bother with a dishonourable discharge – Ian guesses it’s because you can’t discharge someone who technically didn't even enlist – and that’s what stings him the most. It’s like they've washed their hands of him, just like Monica and Frank had done from the second he was born, just like Mickey had done when he married the commie skank. And so, five months before his eighteenth birthday, Sergeant Major Dullies tells Ian Gallagher that he is blacklisted for life from ever serving in the Army, Navy, Air Force and Marines. He tells him they don’t even want to see him in the Reserves or National Guard and that this shit is going to follow him for the rest of this life. He’ll be lucky if he gets to serve beer to cadets. 

In the back of his mind, he figured he’d get caught eventually. He just hoped it would after he had impressed them with his combat skills and they’d give him a NJP and not kick him out because they wanted him to stay. Instead, Ian signs papers saying he won’t discuss this with anyone unless he wants to face charges in the civilian court system and he’s unceremoniously escorted off base. 

He figures he has a few days before word of where he is gets back to his family in Chicago. He’s not sure how pissed the Army is, but he knows they want him as far away from them as possible. His troop – _former troop_ – wants nothing to do with him either. He runs into Danielson, his fucking bunkmate, at the corner store, and he won’t even look at him. It fucking hurts since Danielson almost fucked himself in boot camp, probably would've been kicked out if Ian hadn't unfucked the situation for him. 

Ian feels as depressed as he did when Mickey got married. His entire life has been focussed on joining the military. That’s fucking done now and no one can unfuck this situation for him. He feels lost and doesn't know what to do. He knows one thing: he’s not ready to go back to Chicago so he sends a letter to Lip. _Sorry for stealing your identity. Kick ass at MIT. Hug Debbie, Carl and Liam and to tell Fiona not to worry. I’m not ready to come back yet. If you love me, please don’t look for me._

He mails the letter. And then he runs. 

For six months, he goes from city to city constantly looking over his shoulder as he works odd jobs. He’s bussing tables at a bar in Phoenix when it hits him that if they had been looking for him they would have caught him by now. It shocks him that they listened, that they care enough to let him be, even though he knows it’s killing them not to know if he’s okay. 

A week later he’s on his way to the California coast, hoping to settle in the San Diego area, and he sends post card to the house with six words. _I’m okay. I love you all._


	2. Chapter 2

Ian is surprised at how quickly he settles into life in San Diego. He rents a one-room apartment near the beach and runs along the coast every morning. He gets a job selling fish tacos and finishes high school. It’s the first time he’s accomplished anything school-related without Lip to tutor him and it makes his graduation feel that much more special, even though his family isn’t there to see him get his diploma. 

His wardrobe consists of shorts, board shorts and wet suits and he walks around bare foot or in flip flops. Unused to the heat of the California sun, he gets sunburned his first week there. It’s stupid but he fucking loves it. From then on he carries 60-SPF sun screen and wears baseball caps wherever he goes. He embraces California life so much that he even develops a taste for grilled pineapples and putting avocado on burgers. 

He spends the first year working and learning to surf before he applies for a job at a local survival school. His ROTC skills and knowledge gained during his stint in the Army make it an easy fit and, for the first time in his life, he has a job he loves with great benefits, paid vacations, and a disposable income. He makes the most of it, traveling all over the US and Canada and even venturing to Europe. He sends his family post cards from his travels, but doesn't write anything. He sends cash too, knowing Lip is away at school and Fiona has responsibilities that he still feels accountable for. 

Everyone sends him e-mails. They never ask him to come home, just write about their lives, and he reads them all. The only indication he gives that he reads them is sending a post card to Lip in Cambridge. The only e-mail that makes his heart ache is when Fiona reminds him he can always come home. 

Before he knows it, four years have passed and he’s 21 years old, nothing like the boy who left Chicago, but so much like him nonetheless. 

He’s fucking a hot surfer – a kid with dark hair and blue eyes that he picked up after his morning run – when it hits him that he misses his life in Chicago. It may have been a struggle, but shoveling shit made the good times much more joyous. The realization that he’s ready go home is such a shock to him, much like that kick to face from Mickey all those years ago, that he stutters mid-thrust. From there it’s a sorry excuse of a fuck, so much that Ian apologizes for his performance afterwards, but not so sorry that he’s willing to kiss the guy afterwards. 

It doesn't take long after that. He asks for a leave of absence at work, even though he’s pretty sure he won’t be back, rents a storage unit to store a few things he hopes to see on an episode of _Storage Wars_ , packs a bag and gets on a plane to Chicago.

Five hours later, he’s back in Chicago. The first thing he notices on the bus ride back to the south side is the smell. It stinks but it makes him smile as his childhood memories come rushing back to him. 

No one is home when he gets there. He's not surprised since he didn't tell anyone he was coming back, but it seems strange that the house is empty until he remembers that Liam is in school now. He lets himself in and takes his stuff up to his former room. Liam’s crib is gone but the bunks and his old bed is still place, like Fiona held out the hope that he’d be back some day. It makes him feel good knowing he was missed but there’s something about being back in this space that makes him realize he stayed away too long. 

He doesn't want to hang around and wallow so he drops off his stuff and heads over to see Mandy. She cut off contact when he told her he wasn't coming back. Ian understands why she’s pissed. She was always desperate to get out of the south side and start a new life, though Ian knows she secretly knew she’d never have that. 

He knocks on the door with a bit of trepidation. At worse, Ian expects her to greet him with a punch to the face, at best, he expects her to call him a fuckhead. What he doesn't expect is for her to give him her best death glare, for those Milkovich blue eyes to look at him like he’s scum on the bottom of her shoe.

"What the fuck do you want?"

"Not quite the homecoming I was expecting," he quips, flashing her a smile. Mandy never could resist his smiles. "I guess I've been away from the south side too long. I forgot how we greet the people we love." 

He steps forward to hug her, frowning when she steps away, just out of his reach. “You lost the right to use _we_ and _south side_ in the same sentence about four years ago.”

“Jesus Mandy, what’s crawled up your ass?”

“What the fuck were you expecting? That the prodigal son returns so we throw a party to end all parties?"

“I don’t need a fucking part but a _nice to see you_ and a hug would be nice,” Ian shakes his head. “And you know, if you really cared you could have emailed or tried Facebook.”

“This isn’t about me shithead.”

“Ahh, so this cunt attitude is all about Mickey then? He's not my fucking problem.”

“Mickey may have been a fucking pussy but you of all people had to understand why he’s so terrified. You were fucking there.”

Ian stares at Mandy wide-eyed. “He … he told you about that?”

“Svetlana,” Mandy shudders, “I wasn't even there and I can’t stop wondering why my dad didn't kill you both. I guess he thought that beating him to death was letting Mickey off easy.”

“So what are you and commie skank best friends now?”

“I was in the market for one since mine took off. Anyways, not that this matters to you but she and I care about Mickey. We bonded over how worried we are for him.”

“Yea, well he made his choice.”

Mandy stomps her foot. Her eyes flash in anger. “Nothing Mickey has done since our dad caught you two has been his fucking choice! If you think that I completely misjudged you. Did you forget how things work out here? Did you forget who our dad is and what he’s done? What he’s fucking capable of doing?”

Ian sighs. He knew he would have a lot to answer for when he came home. He just expected it would be Fiona that gave him a hard time. “I … I don’t have a reason that’s going to make you less angry. I watched the guy I love marry someone else. I know he wanted to be with me too. It’s still the worst moment of my life. I had to leave. I’m sorry if that’s not enough of a reason for you.”

“So take a fucking road trip! Did you have to stay away for four years? Cut off all fucking contact and just send post cards? You have no idea what it did to him.”

Ian’s about to respond when the front door opens and Mickey’s wife swaggers out. She looks like she’s ready for work, mumbles something to Mandy and she climbs down the stairs in 9-inch heels. She bumps Ian’s shoulder as she passes. 

“What’s her problem?” Ian grunts. 

“This isn’t a good time,” Mandy shakes her head. “You need to go before Mickey sees you.”

“We’re not done here,” Ian presses. 

“Yes we are,” she says through gritted teeth. She looks over her shoulder and winces when the front door opens. Mickey, dressed in a sleeveless hoodie with the hood pulled over his head, shuffles out. He has a cigarette in his mouth and fumbles with his iPod. He doesn't look up or acknowledge either of them. 

“Hey Mick,” Ian waves a hand in front of Mickey’s face but Mickey doesn't even look up. “What, you still can’t even fucking look at me?” Four years ago, Ian would have accepted this and walked away. But he won’t put up with Mickey’s bullshit anymore. He grabs Mickey’s arm, his hand just curling around Mickey’s bicep, before Mickey jerks away like he’s been scalded.

“Don’t fucking touch me,” Mickey spits, still refusing to look up. Mandy swears Mickey was devastated when he left, but Ian doesn't sense that at all. 

“Fucking really,” Ian shouts, “that’s all you have to say to me after four fucking years?”

“Not my fault it’s been four fucking years now is it?” Mickey speaks calmly as though he’s unaffected by Ian’s presence. 

“You know why I left,” Ian replies. Mickey still won’t look at him and Ian feels his rage building. He reaches for Mickey, determined to force him to look at him, but Mickey steps away. 

“No I fucking don’t,” Mickey replies, “because you just split without explaining anything. I guess there’s something to be said for following in our parents’ footsteps, huh?” 

“I just saw your wife. I think she was on her way to get fucked,” Ian taunts. “Where’s your kid, by the way?”

“Stillborn.” 

“Oh,” Ian frowns, wondering why no one mentioned that him. “I’m sorry.”

“Fuck your sympathy,” Mickey finally looks up and Ian winces at what he sees. The only way Ian can describe it is that Mickey looks blank, like he’s not even there. “You know what? I felt guilty about you leaving for a long time. I thought it was all my fault that you ran off to get shot. Then I realized you left because you didn't care enough to step out of your own fucking head long enough to see that I’ve been treading water my whole fucking life.”

“How dare you?” Ian glares, “I fucking loved you.”

Mickey laughs. “That’s a fucking lie. You don’t do that to people you love. You wanted me to be this fucking fantasy you had in your head. You wanted to change me. I bet you didn't even like me at all. Fuck you. Now get the fuck out of my way.” 

“Jesus,” Ian mutters, looking up at Mandy as they both watch Mickey walk away. “He hates me that much?”

“You should feel honoured. That’s the most he’s said in the four years you've been gone. He usually just grunts at people.” 

“Mickey’s always grunted at everyone.”

“Stop Ian. Just fucking stop it. What do you even want? You expect me to welcome you back with open arms? Fuck you. You keep saying you had to leave like you had no fucking choice. That’s a fucking lie. You didn't leave for yourself; you ran away to hurt him. You wanted to teach him a lesson, but you didn't stick around to see if he learned anything from it.”

“What are you even on? You saw how he was just now. He hardly even looked at me,” Ian yells. “I haven’t been here for four years so whatever he’s turned into is not on me. What the fuck have you done since I've been gone, huh? What about his goddamn wife?”

“You think anyone else is capable of hurting him like that? You’re the only person he let get that close. You didn't just break him, you fucking burned him to the ground! Even if there was something left for us to fix, he doesn't want it because he doesn't think he deserves it.” 

Ian frowns. He opens his mouth to object to Mandy’s accusations, but she doesn't let him. “You think I’m making this shit up, don’t you?” she asks. “Did you know he’s pretty much a drunk now? He drinks so much I’m surprised he can stand up. I don’t know why Linda keeps him on at the store. I guess she feels sorry for him.”

“He’s still at the Kash and Grab?”

“He has your old job now,” Mandy nods. “Linda runs it during the day but she’s with the kids after school so he runs the place.”

“She hates him.”

“ You've been gone a long time. Some things change.” 

“Why are you telling me this? If it’s to make me feel guilty about Mickey fucking Milkovich, you can save your breath. I been fucking done with him for years.”

Mandy gives him a look that he can’t quite describe. If Ian didn't know better he’d swear she’s disappointed in him. “It’s not about making you feel guilty Ian. It’s so you’ll understand what I say next.”

“And that is?”

“Things are different now. I don’t need you in my life like I did before. I don’t want you in my brother’s life. He needs you but he won't survive when you take off again. If you ever cared about me or him at all, please stay the fuck away from Mickey.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think :)


End file.
